BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
anyone else like Italian cereal
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I ruined my son’s day because I sent him to school with an Avengers sweater in his backpack AND HE’S NOT GOING TO BE COLD LATER