Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
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Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.