@hellabrunette
@TheToddWilliams
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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@TheToddWilliams
@Brianhopecomedy
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
@littlekitnerboy
If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
@2Saddington
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
@wittwitbarista
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
@MomofTeen
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
@rodeoman
anyone else like Italian cereal
@momjeansplease
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
@SCbchbum
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
@jaxwax04
I ruined my son’s day because I sent him to school with an Avengers sweater in his backpack AND HE’S NOT GOING TO BE COLD LATER