@hellabrunette

Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

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@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

@littlekitnerboy

If there’s one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.

@2Saddington

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

@wittwitbarista

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

@MomofTeen

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

@momjeansplease

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.

@jaxwax04

I ruined my son’s day because I sent him to school with an Avengers sweater in his backpack AND HE’S NOT GOING TO BE COLD LATER