Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately