M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Did I do this right
Single and childfree like Jesus
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers