M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
You Might Also Like
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight