@007Rex_Inc

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

@KyleMcDowell86

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

@suruhh

delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.

@SCbchbum

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

@Lerky

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

@RandomRamblr

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

@heroinsdemise

What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.