Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H: …SELF DESTRUCT
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
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WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.