M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
This is Sparta
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?