M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
You Might Also Like
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*