M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
The glockness monster
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The three genders.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman