@3sunzzz

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

You Might Also Like

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

@EndhooS

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

@murrman5

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

@LoveNLunchmeat

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

@truegritrumble

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

@mattZillaaaa

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother