M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
not for long
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”