[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me
My teenage son: nice
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.