M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I love it all
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored