@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

@Divergentmama

Me: when I was your age, I had to dial *69 to see who called me

My teenage son: nice

@jonnysun

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@bridger_w

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@hangin_out

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@KalvinMacleod

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

@jwoodham

“How dare you accuse us of cheating?” said the Patriots, struggling to get a jersey on the giant robot tiger that Katy Perry rode in on.