@Jay_FrickinLynn

M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.

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@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@jazz_inmypants

her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@distracdad

Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.

@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

@drunkNnaughty

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?