@3sunzzz

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

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@TheHyyyype

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

@Tups13

When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.

@bingowings14

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

@winemamita

stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!

@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall

@gavinpivott

I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.

@Ivsy01

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.