M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
May have had one breakfast too many
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?