[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
ME: *tries to sneakily pee in pool*
LIFEGUARD: sir get off the diving board
stop asking me if im hispanic when i already told y’all im hispeace!!!
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter
Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall
I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.