M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
You Might Also Like
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”