Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
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*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The projected sales figur-
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
If other jobs got the same response as writing:
-You’re a fireman? Have you put out any famous fires?
-You’re a lifeguard? Can I be a victim in your next rescue?
-You’re a physicist? I have a few universe theories myself!
-You’re a chef? I’d do food too, but I never have time.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator