@CArmanthegirl

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

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@wendchymes

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@TheAlexNevil

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

@Sassafrantz

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

@nuclearpasta_

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

@DanMentos

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@NatePhilbrick

If other jobs got the same response as writing:

-You’re a fireman? Have you put out any famous fires?
-You’re a lifeguard? Can I be a victim in your next rescue?
-You’re a physicist? I have a few universe theories myself!
-You’re a chef? I’d do food too, but I never have time.

@fishbowel

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator