Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
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I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
nyc:
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Grandmother clock.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol