Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
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Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Goodnight 🐶
Ha
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.