@HoldinCoffeeld

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

You Might Also Like

@OctopusCaveman

If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.

@flashember

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@pro_worrier_

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

@BigJDubz

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

@HeyZeus666

Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.

@AngryRaccoon2

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

@brendohare

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am