If children are the future, we’re doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It’s a nightmare.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am