M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.