M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
A ghost story
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Otters see a butterfly.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations