M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.