M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”