M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.