M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Sniffing the broccoli
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Mmmm canned fish.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)