I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.
I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that