M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.