@3sunzzz

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

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@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@Shut_up_Marissa

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

@batsly

I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.

@eff_yeah_steph

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

@TheDairylandDon

A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.

@KevinFarzad

Hi, welcome to Starbucks! How can we spell your name incorrectly today?

@LittleMissAngr1

I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.

@torrami

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

@prufrockluvsong

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that