Look ma no friends
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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Someone a few houses over is having a party. I can hear the music and laughter and people enjoying themselves. I’m calling the damn cops.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty