M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser