@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

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@sixfootcandy

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

@Birdhumms

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@BreadFoster

Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.

@CM2BTTHD

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

@TheMichaelRock

*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*

I love you too, babe!

[later]

Where’s my credit card? Son of a..

@Marlebean

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

@BoomBoomBetty

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

@IndecisiveJones

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right