@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

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@Slave_4_U

Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.

@justabloodygame

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@_davidlucas_

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

@MarfSalvador

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

@Rollinintheseat

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

@jbillinson

“Yes Mr. Trump, I took Joe’s pocket knife away and we’ll get you some new tires for that limo right away, but I can’t make him say sorry”