Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Man buns: Because girls want the convenience of a guy who always has a hair tie.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
*wife gives me a big hug before I leave for work*
I love you too, babe!
Where’s my credit card? Son of a..
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right