M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.