@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

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@nyquills

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@Rollinintheseat

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@JoroPotential

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@SequelsWeWant

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

@sixfootcandy

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

@MaraWritesStuff

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone