“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.