Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
<- sleeps well with others
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
When news reporters do sports stories
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.