Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.