A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
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Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.