Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Saturday
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there