Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
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Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.