[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
You Might Also Like
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.