MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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Spotted in New Orleans.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.