Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
In Canada they just call them geese
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Important
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.