Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize