HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I love twitter
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️