Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
You Might Also Like
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
peep davidson
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?