Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”