Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.