[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I came this close!!!!
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.