@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

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@_Water_Baby

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@carlyken

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

@AndLookPretty

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank