@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

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@pixelatedboat

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

@Dawn_M_

They’re creepy and they’re kooky,
Mysterious and spooky,
They’re all together ooky

The Twitter Family

*click click*

@DayneDimmick

I feel bad for spiders. I tripon my two feet all the time. Can only imagine the hell a clumsy spider goes through.

@PinkCamoTO

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

@knot_eye

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@shutupmikeginn

In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming

@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.