Date tip: buy a calendar
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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love
[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
The Joker was right
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank