Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

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Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.


If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?


A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution


No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.


me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*


Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.


Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”


*holds up gun*

Bank: You mean money?

Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank