Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.