Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
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The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.