@Tmoney68

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

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@GlennyRodge

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

@Swishergirl24

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

@WilliamAder

Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet?
Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news?
Doctor: No.
Me: Then, no, I haven’t.

@IamJackBoot

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

@lisaxy424

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@funnol

sure you can PAY for a professional photographer, OR you can just lie spread out in a field until 1 finds u and just starts taking pictures

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN