This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*takes 5 more shots*
me to an ex: wyd
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus