Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
HOW DARE YOU
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.