Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen


Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.


*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you


*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd


Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.


Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus