Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You Might Also Like
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
my retirement plan is braless
The government even made aliens boring
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.