Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
getting groceries
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*