Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot