@kamiekaymee

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.

- @kamiekaymee

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@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@seandunn76

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

@smithsara79

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: You’re hired..

Me: Thank you so much! You won’t live to regret this..

Interviewer: What?

Me: huh?

@3sunzzz

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

@JKickinit30

You can’t control what people say or do. The only thing you can control is how much accelerant to use.

@jake_likes_naps

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

@kcmoore51

Me: How was the party last night?

17: It was fun. The cops came.

Me: What???

17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away.

Me: That’s my girl.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.