@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

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@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@donni

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

@sarcasticmommy4

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

@Procaffinator

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

@grammar_c**t

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@evanrhorne

I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.

@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point