Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

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Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.


Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows


50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.


Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.


“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”


I quit my job today!! The money from that Nigerian king arrives tomorrow, I’m so excited.


Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point