Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.