I don’t smoke, so I take “screaming” breaks at work.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”