Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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The best things in life are free.
Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.
*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media
in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving
“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”
Law and Order: Missing Shoe
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb