Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


Cop failed me on the sobriety test even tho I not only touched my nose like he asked but went on & totally nailed the rest of the macarena.


Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.

Change my mind.


Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes


“Back off ladies. He’s mine”


Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit


I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.


My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.


It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.