@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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@chrissyteigen

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

@ItsSamG

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?

@clichedout

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

@Andrea__B__

The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman

@Tmoney68

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.