Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.


I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.


Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too


I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.


My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete


[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment


Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.


*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]



Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”