@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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@CaptainJerkwad

Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

@kirbys4losers

Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

@badbanana

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

@jwoodham

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@SortaBad

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

@bornmiserable

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.