Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.