Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
😜
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat