@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@GetCougarized

The best things in life are free.

Like your neighbor’s wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they’re away, for instance.

@hippieswordfish

*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone*
SKELETON: you cant…it’s not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media

@robesman

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving

@Divergentmama

“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

@robfromonline

before you criticize someone remember they’re a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it’s easier to make them cry

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb