If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
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Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.
You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The most important thing in life is to be yourself, unless you can be Batman…always go with Batman
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.