@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

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@JayElem00

I’m just one more bad decision away from my own reality show.

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

@LuvPug

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

@MariyaAlexander

[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment

@The_MartiniGirl

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.

@squirrel74wkgn

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

@williamsonnier

Take that seed.
Yes that one
Burn it.
Now crunch it up.
More.
Now pour this hot water on it.
Let me drink that.

It’s good. Name it “coffee”