Made something I’m not proud of
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
All. The. Damn. Time.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.