Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

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I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.


I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list


[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth


[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex


“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes


Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.


it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.


[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox