@KentWGraham

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

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@NightValeRadio

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

@ShortSleeveSuit

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

@HeyoShellz

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

@gogglepossum

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

@NoticablyBacon

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

@Steven37366100

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

@Cheeseboy22

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

@ipalatsky

it would probably never occur to you, but if need be, yellow pages book can knock your opponent out without any visible bruising.

@ericsshadow

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox